I hate you, xanga, but I miss recording my thoughts. Everything is changing. I know most of these changes are positive and will benefit me in the future, but it’s still hard. Lately, I find myself exhausted. I feel spread thin and I feel like I’m barely making progress in anything. I’m just hoping ill adjust and things will get easier.

I’m thinking of blogging on Tumblr. I actually disputed the charges on my credit card from xanga- my big puta move.

I feel like life has changed a lot these past few weeks. New semester began on Thursday. I’m doing full time this semester, which is exciting. I start my internship in like a week and a half (the 18th). I’m excited, but I’m a little nervous. Counseling in a woman’s substance abuse program is intimidating. I’m a little worried about them not taking a young middle class girl seriously. I know it will be very rewarding work and I will learn a lot from this experience. I also had to cut down my hours at work to part time, which kills me because I like making money. I picked up some overtime today, and I’m probably going straight from school to work tomorrow to help out. Figure I can make a little extra money before interning and school takes over my life.

Things with the new guy are going really well. He’s so sweet with me. I try and take things slow and keep it cool, but I’ve already grown attached. I’ve never been the super affectionate type, but this kid has turned me into a mush, I’m such a dork I’m finding myself breaking all of my rules and the sky high walls I put up are coming down so fast.

Also, I’m getting sick. Again. Dang.

I have really hit it off with one of my friends. I know we only just started, but I can see myself falling in love with him. He is not the type I would usually go for, but we just go well together. We have lots of fun when we get together and he does all those sweet things I’ve missed- buying me desserts, opening the car door for me, cuddling with me at night, holding my hand when we walk down the street.

I’m very happy, and I’m trying my best to be brave and not worry too much about getting hurt.

I’m going to be Julia Chang for Comic Con
Really? Don’t a lot of girls dress up like her?
Nope, very few Julia Chang cosplays
Isn’t her costume kind of simple? Like just a vest and skirt?
Yup, that’s the point, it’ll be cheap and easy to make
Oh, but won’t her boots cost a lot?
No, I’m just going to get them secondhand
Secondhand boots can be expensive though.
They’re not.  Do you have a problem with my costume? Do you hate Julia Chang?
*Smile* I just really want you to wear your Princess Kitana costume!

Canada guy:

I met him on the first day pretty much as soon as I got on the boat.  My brothers were at the arcade and my parents were settling in their room.  I decided to take a walk around the ship.  Canada guy said I had a nice dress and he asked where I was from.  I wasn’t attracted to him but I was happy to have made a friend early on.  He seemed fun and down for anything and we got a drink at the bar.  I liked that he was well traveled and seemed very open to new experiences.  We hung out a few times.  He was really sweet- like we would sometimes get coffee and he would make me green tea (he made it horribly though- but I would drink it all cause I felt bad) and we would talk about everything- friends, dating, school, the differences between America and Canada.  He was a little odd though.  We would go over and say hi to other folks on the cruise and he would introduce me as his wife, and say we were both neurologists and I would have to go along with it. He started making me feel uncomfortable because I could tell her really liked me (or at least wanted to get it in) and I really had no desire to.  He kissed me twice, and I was pretty drunk and I kind of went with it because I missed being with a guy.  It was nice being held and stuff, you forget how much you miss it.  He got a little handsy one night and I was not having that so he stopped speaking to me, which was fine by me.  I ran into him the last night. He asked where I’ve been and gave me his email so I could add him on facebook- fat chance. 

Jeremy: Jeremy is probably the most ridiculous person I have ever met. I can’t even describe him so I’m just gonna post pictures:

I met him the third night.  I was hanging out with Canada guy at the solarium bar when him and the jew-unit (what me and my friends would call his family) burst into the room screaming “is it okay to smoke weed on this boat??” flashing a bunch of cigarillos. He was one of those guys who had a bit of money, and was eager to show off. Jeremy thought I was dating Canada guy so he basically came to me every time Canada guy was getting us more drinks or using the bathroom.  He lives in NYC and told me if I ever needed weed or oil (?) I could give him a call and he would hook me up.  I gave him my number, partly because I felt pressured and partly because I was curious about his weed hook up.  I added myself as “Jen” in his phone and he edited it say “Beautiful Jen” as if that was supposed to flatter me.  I basically spent the next four days on the ship avoiding him, we would still run into each other sometimes and he would buy me a drink and tell me all about his business (probably his parents) and tell me that he wanted to take me out in NYC.  He would also blow me kisses from across the room and would dance like Michael Jackson. 

The Frat Boy:

I decided I wanted some alone time.  I grabbed my e reader and went to this place on the ship called “Central Park”, it’s basically a huge garden with cafes and restaurants.  I decided that I wanted to relax with a beer while I read and ran to the bar.  Saw him sitting there. Just my type- light skin, baby face, light blue eyes, Jewish- probably Russian.  We started talking – everything about him was a deal breaker for me- only 21 years old (I didn’t even date 21 year olds when I was 21 years old myself), frat boy, and a Heats fan (He’s from Florida- goes to school in Indiana).  But he was so cool and hot that I continued to talk to him.  I even told a little white lie that I secretly liked the Heat and said that Chris Bosh is so cool and eloquent when he does his interviews *cringe*. 

Despite everything, we really hit it off. I’ll spare most of the gory details, but  I’ve never had a one night stand but I’ve always wanted to and I thought he would be perfect for it.  We agreed to meet up after dinner and I basically cleaned my room, put on the sexiest underoos I packed and put on a tight dress.  We both got really drunk at the bar, I dragged him down the promenade to get pizza, then we went up to the deck and just started making out and all these sixteen year olds were like “oooooh”. I told him to come to my room and hang out with me.  I thought it would be one of those “use him, abuse him, lose him” kind of things, but after we did the deed, he ended up cuddling with me until like 5:30am and asked me to hang out with him the next day.  We played mini golf, got food and drinks and just talked about everything.  We both really like Breaking Bad and we geeked out together- I think he likes it even more than I do.  He always held my hand or had his arm around me and would kiss me whenever people weren’t looking. That was really nice – I missed tenderness.  I missed affection.  We were so sad when we had to say good bye to each other.  He hugged me for a really long time and he told me to text him when I got back to NY.  We’ve texted each other a bit, mainly about Breaking Bad and basketball. The other day we were joking around and he told me I should move to Indiana, that it’s really nice there this time of the year. 

I’m really keeping my fingers crossed that some day we will cross paths again- the sex was so good and I miss cuddling with him and our heated arguments about football and basketball. 

BASICALLY, long story short- one of guy friends got me to confess that I had sex recently.   I was worried he was going to look down on me, or be jealous.  Instead he acted like one of my girlfriends would act- kinda congratulating me, asking if he was hot, and if it was good.  Which kind of confused me.

Then he starts acting affectionate towards me, which isn’t really like him.  He’s kind of like a protective older brother- he gives me advice, we eat pizza together, he teases me a lot. 

I wish orange is the new black had more episodes
We just need a new thing to obsess about. Preferably something with lesbian sex.
But hot lesbians.
Who don’t wear khaki jump suits
Lets just watch porn together
I think you’re a closet lesbian.
Some people think I’m a lesbian. Because I like sports, beer and video games.
No it just makes you an awesome girl.
And you wear dresses.
So, pretty awesome,
Haha aw thanks
+enjoy lesbian porn= possibly the best girlfriend ever haha
haahahahahh <3
<3

He also told me I looked great and asked me to hang out with him this weekend.

I’m so confused.  Do you think he secretly feels threatened and he feels like he needs to step it up? Maybe it’s true that people always want what they can’t have? Any opinions?

I never thought we would become such great pals, but I’m glad we are. Can’t wait to dress up like Joel and Ellie at Comic Con  :)

“I was in the winter of my life — and the men I met along the road were my only summer. At night I fell asleep with visions of myself dancing and laughing and crying with them. Three years down the line of being on an endless world tour and my memories of them were the only things that sustained me, and my only real happy times. I was a singer, not a very popular one, who once had dreams of becoming a beautiful poet — but upon an unfortunate series of events, saw those dreams dashed and divided like a million stars in the night sky that I wished on over and over again — sparkling and broken. But I didn’t really mind because I knew that it takes getting everything you ever wanted and then losing it to know what true freedom is.

When the people I used to know found out what I had been doing, how I had been living — they asked me why. But there’s no use in talking to people who have a home, they have no idea what it’s like to seek safety in other people, for home to be wherever you lie your head.

I was always an unusual girl, my mother told me I had a chameleon soul. No moral compass pointing due north, no fixed personality. Just an inner indecisiveness that was as wide and as wavering as the ocean. And if I said that I didn’t plan for it to turn out this way, I’d be lying — because I was born to be the other woman. I belonged to no one — who belonged to everyone, who had nothing — who wanted everything with a fire for every experience and an obsession for freedom that terrified me to the point that I couldn’t even talk about — and pushed me to a nomadic point of madness that both dazzled and dizzied me.

Every night I used to pray that I’d find my people — and finally I did — on the open road. We had nothing to lose, nothing to gain, nothing we desired anymore — except to make our lives a work of art.

I’ve met three men in the past month, all in my travels who treated me differently from the guys back home.  They made me feel pretty and sexy and special- back home I always feel like the backburner bitch- the girl guys go to when the girl they really like is ignoring them or whatever. I always feel dicked around and I never know where I stand with them.  It was nice being treated with tenderness, it was nice having someone fighting sleep just to spend more time with me.  It was nice holding someone’s hand in public. 

Now that I’ve had a taste of it I’m getting greedy and it’s finally hitting me how lonely I really am. And now I can’t stop crying.  I literally can’t stop. I  keep wiping my tears and taking deep breaths but I end up sobbing.  Thinking about the bullshit I’ve been through this year and last.  Guys fucking me and then asking me for dating advice, getting stood up so much that now I always have a back up plan, always going to events alone and being the third wheel. 

So many scandalous things happened on vacation. I guess you could say I got my groove back? I already told Bianca about it and it was really funny so I guess I’ll tell you guys about it tomorrow. 

I can’t wait to pick up my dog from the kennel.  I’m worried he may be scarred for life. Poor Dom.